Who'd be an umpire? By Alan Pritchard

It was long ago in August, the year was fifty-seven
The sun shone in a brazen sky, I went with my eleven
To Birch, for in the park there Marks Tey was due to play
To meet the mighty men of Birch at cricket on that day

There was Peter the skipper and Frank who chewed his usual cud
Right from the start it was plain they were out to get our blood

There was Rex that poorly kindly man, who nobody could rile
And dear old Des that innocent with winning baby smile
There was Archie too whose bat was broad and bowled a cunning ball
And Lady Pat and Master Neil had come to see them all

The day was hot; the sun shone in almost cloudless heaven
We walked out on the pitch to start just after eleven
They batted first, out came their man and then took up his stand
To face our Archie, Pride of Tey, You've heard of Archie Brand

They batted first and scored a few, just fift and five
Our chaps were really wonderful, their fielding was alive,
To get those runs was naught they said, at that stage they were right
But in the second over they had a ghastly fright

The ball came down, a shout ''How's that'' the fat mans finger raised
And Rex was out walking back, we all were most amazed
''That's one for none'', the Birch chaps said, but how they roared with glee
When only two balls later, the board read none for three
There are nine ways of getting out in that noble game
The Chap at Birch had found a tenth, not right though, all the same

I sighed, not one was out, not any one, least that's what our chaps swear
And that was patent unto me and all the Tey folk there

But in those famed and glorious days no cricketer would whine
Umpires were of a lordly race and no one called them swine
Then in came Archie of the Brand, will willow bat so fine
And off the next four balls or five, he took the score to nine

Suffice the men of Tey on the first innings got
A lead of fifty runs or so, more than the other lot

The second innings came, to the other end I went
And very low behind the stumps my youthful bacvk I bent
''How's that'', shouts he. ''The one I said had taken three for none''
''Not out'', said I. ''Ridiculous, why he's our number one''

He shouts again ''Not Out'', I said and do you think my son
I've come a hundred miles or more not to see justice done
I broke, his heart, he faded out and not a ball that day
Although he hurled them down apace, worried the men of Tey

We won the match quite easily and that's not often done
When one side stands at fifty-five and the other at three for none

Though pride is very natural and it's not easy for me to say
The times I didn't lift my hand, I remember to this day
For give a good man out I won't, NOT WHEN HE PLAYS FOR TEY